I AM NOT READY, God. I have just made a major life change, jumped off the proverbial cliff, trusting you to catch me. In the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty — and the surprising peace of experiencing you having it all under control — I just…am not ready.
Then again, maybe I’m not ever ready. A few years ago, it was a sudden death that had me roiling. And there have been years that it’s pregnancy, and inertia, and…well, it seems my list is never lacking.
How could I be ready, God? When will I ever feel ready?
Then again, when do I ever feel “ready” or “prepared” or “set” for whatever you have in store? I go to Mass, thinking I’ll be fine, only to find myself sobbing like an idiot. I launch into a project, thinking I know where it will take me, only to find myself at a completely different ending.
You’re full of surprises, God…or maybe my expectations are not in line with your will. You want what’s best for me, but sometimes I’m not so great at cooperating, at letting you run the show, at following your lead. So often, I’m not paying attention to you first. I’m waiting for the lightning bolt or the unmistakable sign, forgetting that you speak in a whisper and you’re too polite to interrupt.
Lent’s coming up on me too quickly, but doesn’t it always? I fear the change you have in store for me, because however much I yap about thinking “outside the box,” I’ve made a comfy nest inside the box and I like it just fine, thanks.
Hold me, God. Lead me, God. Give me the courage to be the woman you want me to be this Lent and always.
Sarah Reinhard is a Catholic wife, mom and author whose nose is probably in a book if she’s not scraping something off of her shoes. Her latest book is A Catholic Mother’s Companion to Pregnancy: Walking with Mary from Conception to Baptism. Check out all of her books at http://sarahreinhard.com/writing/my-books/.
Visit Sarah’s website: http://sarahreinhard.com/
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